How to Overcome People-Pleasing: A Lesson from Ancient Yoga Practice
People-pleasing is a BEAST cloaking your actual needs with what it assumes everyone else wants of you.
It makes you say “YES” to requests, fear judgment from others, and suffer from a lack of confidence.
It makes you take on too many projects because of the fear of criticism for NOT taking it all on.
It makes you mull over a comment for hours to craft the perfect response, whether it is spoken, emailed, or texted.
It’s torture.
It can lead to depression, anxiety disorders, and low self-esteem.
If this BEAST assaults you, you can take action on a new path.
There are five main steps to overcoming people-pleasing:
Know your limits
Establish clear boundaries
Make small behavioral changes
Assess the requests others make of you with ample time to do so
Envision your best life and take small actions every day towards it
You can implement the tried-and-true teachings of yogic sages to nip the people-pleasing BEAST for good.
Know your limits:
Take a look at what you have on your plate right now— don’t limit this to just work tasks, but include social responsibilities, family responsibilities, volunteering, and self-care (I hope self-care is in your life!). Where do you feel heavy when you take this all in? Is there an imbalance in one area over another? Be realistic about what you WANT to take on and what you CAN take on. Even if you’ve been waiting for an opportunity to arise, if your plate is full then it’s better to let it pass by and wait for next time. Or, let go of a few things to make space for it. Limits are called “limits” for a reason— they can only go so far! Once you have over-reached your limit, you have worn yourself out.
Yoga practice teaches us the lessons of ahimsa (non-harming), satya (truthfulness), and svadyaya (self-study).
Non-harming extends to how you treat other people and the earth, but it must start with you. Are you harming yourself by taking on too much? Are you harming yourself by disregarding your needs in favor of someone else’s?
Truthfulness means being radically honest with what you say, think, and do. You have got to get real with yourself about what you have taken on and how it makes you feel. Does it excite you at all or does it only bring stress and fear? Is there an incongruence in what you think and what you say? If you suffer from people-pleasing, this might be knowing you do not want to do something but saying “yes” anyway. Notice how it causes harm to yourself? Non-harming and truthfulness go hand in hand!
Self-study is making and taking dedicated time to look within. Self-reflection is critical in changing behavior and thought patterns. Give yourself the space to take a few moments, breathe, quiet your mind, and check-in with your heart. What is your deepest desire? Does it really involve whatever you imagine you gain from the people-pleasing behavior?
2. Establish clear boundaries:
Time to take care of your needs is a boundary. Time to tend to the tasks on your plate is a boundary. Taking on what you can handle is a boundary.
Preserve the time you need to tend to what’s important in your life. Honor it as a non-negotiable. You wouldn’t negate your need to wear warm clothing on a cold day so why give your time to another when it makes you suffer? Your needs are your needs. Period.
If someone presents something to you that you know will infringe on that time, say no. This is where massive discomfort can set in! Yes, you must communicate your boundaries with others! In doing so, you honor the lesson of truthfulness because you are being honest in what you say as it aligns with what you feel. Trust me, you will feel tons of weight lifted off of you once you practice truthfulness on a daily basis in your thoughts, words, and actions.
Communicating your boundaries will probably feel uncomfortable because it is a new behavior. This is the practice of tapas, or a discipline that causes positive change. By making the choice to overcome being a people pleaser, you choose to live in alignment with your highest good. This means taking on behaviors that add up to becoming your best self. You will talk to others differently. You will use your time and energy differently. This is all great! Clear your heart and mind in accordance with your boundaries and communicate with others how you can serve them without harming yourself. This translates to delegating tasks or saying “No” to opportunities. You will clear space for your best self to come forward.
3. Make small behavioral changes
Small actions add up to big change. You more than likely became a people pleaser because you wanted to gain favorable attention from someone you admired. Perhaps you took on this way of being to keep the peace in your family. Whatever the circumstance, look within, examine your life, and ask: I’m out of that circumstance and in a better place, right? Changes are, you are. It’s time to challenge your old mindset so you can grow into your best self.
The practice of saying “no” is an important behavioral change. You need to feel that the world does not retaliate against you, the person who asked you will not blow up in anger, and you will not lose friends when you lay down your boundary to protect your higher good. In fact, your community may respect you and your boundaries because you established them! If a person DOES grow angry with you for saying “no” to a request, examine if it is a toxic relationship that you need to let go of. If you cannot, set more boundaries to protect your heart.
The more small behavioral changes you make, the easier it becomes to draw harder lines with your boundaries so you can preserve yourself. This is the payoff of committing to those practices that cause positive change. The small, meaningful acts add up to the transformation you’ve desired.
4. Assess the request:
People will continue to ask things of you. When they do, assess the request. Is it a fair request? Is the timeline manageable? Are they willing to negotiate or do something in return? In asking these questions, you will realize if people are taking advantage of your kindness or if they are willing to collaborate. If they are taking advantage of you, please say “no” and do your best to either free yourself from a toxic relationship or create clearer boundaries with this person. If they are willing to negotiate with you then take on the work if it makes your heart sing.
Remember, non-harming and truthfulness both start with how you treat yourself. When you find your truth, communicate it directly and kindly. For example, if someone asks you to coordinate the school bake sale fundraiser you can say, “Thank you for considering my managerial skills for this task. I am not able to commit myself to it, but I will happily buy some treats to support the school.” Done. That’s it. Smile and move on.
5. Envision your life and take action:
Now that you’re managing what’s on your plate and moving tasks off of it, you might find you can breathe a little more easily! Take this moment to look within and ask yourself:
What’s in MY highest good with harm to none?
What is my best life?
Who is in it?
What am I doing in my best life?
What makes my heart sing?
This act of self-study can cultivate a meditation practice in which your soul reveals the answers to you.
Your best life wants to show itself to you. You have to sit in the quiet and feel what shines inside. When you envision your best life, you will feel light, vibrant, and lit up.
Make your vision a reality through small actions each day to fill your spiritual tank. You will be authentic and true to yourself every day and will start to know exactly what you need to take on to develop your life in the direction that is right for you.
You will drown out the whispers of the people-pleasing BEAST as you pursue authenticity.
Take on these steps with the wisdom of a yogi to trust your discernment, deeply-felt truths, and higher self. Your best life awaits!